Me at the Spectre premiere

Yes thank you I will have my Pulitzer now

I went to the Spectre premiere last week, as it was at my office. It was amazing. The whole place was transformed, the red carpet was thick and plushy under my feet, I saw the stars of the film and then, after a speech from Sam Mendes, I saw the film.

My premiere experience:

I found out I had been successful in the staff ballot a couple of weeks before the event. There weren't too many to go round, so I was very excited. The ticket arrived in a fancy wallet with gold writing (not pictured).

In the morning, I saw a big mask arriving at Stage Door. It looked like this:



I got changed into my suit jacket from TK Maxx and my bow-tie that I got for £1.50 on eBay and went to join the red carpet. The red carpet looked like this. These are my feet.



I was joined by my friend-and-colleague Martin and my friend-and-boss Jessica. Here I am with Martin.



Here I am with Jess.



In both cases, I am the one with the bumfluff beard. I was pretty delighted about the whole thing. The premiere and the beard.



This is how the Hall looked as we approached:



Of all the people it was possible to see, I was most excited about seeing Ben Whishaw, as he's a wonderful actor. Here he is being wonderful:



He subsequently registered my excitement and gave me a smile that I like to think was sincere rather than frightened. I also saw Andrew Scott, and took this photo for my wife, who is a big fan. She said I can share it with you too, so that's cool:



After that, I went and stood in the middle of the carpet. Despite this, I have not become a social media sensation (I would suggest #HotBondPremiereGuy if you need a hashtag).



Security guards I'd never seen before kept telling me to hurry up, or else gave me very detailed instructions on how to get into the building where I work, but I managed to enjoy my moment by ignoring them. Eventually they got me to move. On the way past, I saw a car and David Walliams. Martin thought it was Sean Connery on the stage, but it wasn't.



Along the side of the stage, I tried to take an arty shot, but it looked a bit rubbish:



I had some water (shaken, not stirred! - I really hate myself) and met some 'friends' (work colleagues), then I went into the world's bestest auditorium, which was filling up:



They showed the rest of the red carpet stuff on the big screen:



Then Sam Mendes came on with the cast. We had a pretty good view:



But their heads are quite fuzzy irl.



Then the lights went down and the film began.

FILM:



Spectre (Sam Mendes, 2015) - Since when did Bond movies get good? Since Casino Royale really (with one boring, Quantum-shaped wobble), when they discovered emotional depth, quiet pathos and the joys of a knowing reference that isn’t just smugly parodic, and encouraged Bond to embrace his world-weariness, the grubbiness of his profession and a brutal, down-and-dirty fighting style, which is now all rabbit-punches and elbows to the face. I appreciate that this isn’t what everyone wants from Bond, but it is what I want.

Spectre isn’t as great as Skyfall, but that is such a high-watermark: a remarkably tricky act to follow. It is, however, a worthy successor. The scene with the rat is probably my favourite moment in a Bond film – giving him, perhaps for the first time, a sense of humour that’s warm and whimsical and self-mocking – there are wonderful supporting bits for Ralph Fiennes and Ben Whishaw, two of the best British actors working today, and the action sequences repeatedly deliver. My favourite is the opener, which is just a virtuosic piece of movie-making: a five-minute Wellesian tracking shot (a nod to Touch of Evil, perhaps, as we’re in Mexico), which follows two figures dressed as skeletons through the streets on the Day of the Dead, then launches us into a short, sharp assassination attempt ending with a fall to earth.

It’s a stunning start to an extremely entertaining, very likeable film that sometimes leans too heavily on flashy motors and callbacks to previous films at the expense of building a gripping story of its own – the plot is frankly a little scant for a film that runs 2hrs 30 – but delivers in just about every other way, with well-drawn supporting characters, good gags and, like, proper acting. While a craggy Craig doesn’t have as many moments to display dramatic range as he did in either Skyfall or Casino Royale, he’s asked to bear this film on his broad back, and he does it with ease. A mention, too, for Sherlock’s Moriarty, Andrew Scott, who does a lot with a slightly imprecise part, and chief villain Christoph Waltz, whose greying locks and hushed, faux-reasoned erudition calls to mind no-one so clearly as Jose Mourinho – though obviously Jose Mourinho is a lot more evil. By contrast, the Bond women (Lea Seydoux and Monica Bellucci) are fine, just... not that interesting, with the script and cinematography doing most of the heavy lifting. And even then, there's a moment where Seydoux orders Bond to leave her building "in the next 10 minutes" or she'll get security to eject him. That's rather a long time, and conspicuously slack screenwriting.

Spectre isn’t perfect, but it’s pretty damn great: riotously enjoyable, genuinely affecting and with a handling of Bond mythology that’s fresh yet respectful, the film pervaded by a swaggering self-confidence (and featuring additional dialogue by West End superstar Jez Butterworth!). If it is Mendes and Craig’s final Bond, it’s a good one to bow out with, but I really hope it’s not, since its balance of artistry, intelligence and blockbuster smarts lifts it way, way out of the ordinary. Not only did Bond films get good, but they’ve stayed good. (3)

***

Sorry if this was boring.

Bourne x 2, Bond 22 and two James Nesbitts - Reviews #58

Here are some more reviews. Irony fans will want to read on, as I've employed their favoured linguistic device twice. There's a couple of rude words in there too, so if that offends, steer clear. Unless you really like irony.



Seducing Doctor Lewis (Jean Francois Pouilot, 2003) - I saw this at the cinema when it came out. I liked it a lot then and I still do. It's a neat spin on the old city-slicker-is-won-over-by-small-town-life stock plot, which as we know is just about the best device going. Here, the little guys try every trick in the book to secure the services of coke-sniffing, foot-massaging, father-figure-seeking Doctor Lewis (David Boutin) and thus land the tupperware factory that will restore some dignity to their lives. There are lots of smart ideas and clever sequences (the cricket match, the big catch, the mass dash across town) along with some well-drawn characters who are both desperate and devious, while remaining likeable and engaging. Having seen how badly this sort of thing was done by Waking Ned only made me appreciate it more. It's not overly demanding and some will find it too gentle (I haven't mentioned yet how pleasant the scenery is), but to me it's the epitome of charm and there are some really great jokes. (3.5)

***


"Treadstone - tell me what it's all a-pout."

*SOME SPOILERS*
The Bourne Supremacy (Paul Greengrass, 2004) - A tour of the world's finest modern train stations, directed by that beardy yokel off of Heartbeat, and just as good as that sounds. Amnesia victim Jason Bourne (Matt Damon) is back in this exhilarating, globetrotting game of cat-and-homicidal-mouse-and-cat, hunting the criminals that offed his girlfriend, as he tries to clear his name of a double murder. It's punchy, gripping and superbly shot and edited, with a suitably sombre turn from Damon to hang the whole thing on. Only the climactic car chase goes on a bit. This is what you hoped Bond would be, but never was. I'm projecting again. (3.5)



The Bourne Ultimatum (Paul Greengrass, 2007) - A dynamic conclusion to the trilogy, with Bourne (Matt Damon) striving to uncover his true identity, while being pursued by a succession of assassins. It's truly heart-pounding stuff: a series of extraordinary action sequences (some of them decidedly minimalist) interspersed with plot-heavy chatting and footage of Damon getting on and off trains and boats. The script is incredibly well-plotted and inventive, as Bourne battles guerilla-style against all-pervading surveillance, and the human drama is again agreeably understated, with Julia Stiles finally given something to do except get kidnapped, in a touching subplot. Again, the denouement isn't quite as strong as the rest, but that's my only gripe with this invigoratingly exciting movie. (3.5)

***



"He's got a gun and great big man-tits/He's got jug ears and tiny trunks/Dame Judi Dench is furious with him/He's gone completely out to lunch...” By far the best things about Quantum of Solace (Marc Forster, 2008) are its spoof theme tunes by Adam and Joe. Viewed in the light of the last two Bourne – and indeed, 2006's Casino Royale – the film itself seems a little lacklustre, tentative and rushed, as if it was written in about 15 minutes. That's not to say it isn't diverting. Daniel Craig's portrayal of Bond as a pocket-sized hothead remains impressive, Judi Dench is a fine M – stern but fiercely protective in the schoolmarm-ish manner – and there are some fairly effective action sequences, including Bond wiping out a lift-full of British secret servicemen in five seconds flat. It's just a pity the plot isn't really up to it, as underwhelming David Mitchell-Peter Lorre hybrid Mathieu Amalric schemes to overthrow the Bolivian Government and steal its precious resources, belying his reputation as a philanthropist and environmentalist. Fucking environmentalists, trying to stop me driving a 4x4, flying to London and burning tyres in my front garden; they're clearly the greatest danger to the modern world. Clarkson told me. Decent coda, though. (2.5)

***



Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (Adam McKay, 2004) - "When in Rome...", "Veronica had a very funny joke today!", "60 per cent of the time it works every time", "You know how to cut to the core of me, Baxter", "Agree to disagree", "Milk was a bad choice"... There are plenty of great lines and funny ideas in Anchorman, but it's unquestionably erratic, with some seriously dry spells and a supporting performance from Steve Carell that's completely undercut by the crass, offensive line about him being "mentally retarded". For fuck's sake - is that still considered OK? The story sees self-assured local news anchorman Will Ferrell and his office full of chauvinists thrown off kilter by a talented new arrival, who just happens to be a woman. This is as funny as I've seen Ferrell and there's a strong supporting cast, including Paul Rudd (who's always good value), David Koechner and whoever that blonde chick with the nice arse was. Whammy. (3)

***


Boo-yah. This, I like.

Ride Clear of Diablo (Jesse Hibbs, 1954) - A solidly entertaining Audie Murphy Western, one of a string of superior B movies starring the most decorated US soldier of WWII. Dan Duryea perhaps overdoes it this time, cackling away in his familiar supporting role like a parody of Richard Widmark in Kiss of Death, but he's always fun to watch and the movie is largely well-played and well-mounted (the church social is wonderfully-directed), with a cracking action climax. At least until Murphy decides to stop blasting away and rugby-tackle the baddie. (3)

***


Cate Blanchett as Elizabeth I. I think. I can't be bothered to check.

Elizabeth (Shekhar Kapur, 1998) - Boring, confusing historical drama. Blanchett's quite good in the lead and there are a couple of moments that work (Edward Hardwicke's act of coat-y kindness, the final scene), but the script is poor and the eclectic cast (Eric Cantona, Angus Deayton, Lily Allen) offers very little. The tone is set by the opening exchanges, in which horrible spotty Queen Mary sits in her dark, airless attic, being all weird, while Elizabeth skips around in a field. (1.5)

***



TV: Jekyll (2007) - This is another super series from the pen of Steven Moffat, a fusion of human drama, conspiracy thriller and blood-soaked horror. James Nesbitt is research scientist Dr Jackman, whose very special problem sees him forced into battle with scallies, shadowy Americans and his own unhinged alter-ego, the redoubtable Mr Hyde. The plotting is consistently inventive - sometimes dizzyingly so - right down to a killer twist near the end, though I'm not convinced the disparate elements quite slot together. As usual, Moffat provides a heap of memorable set-pieces and nifty one-liners. One of the things I admire most about him is his ability to reveal something terrible to the viewer a fraction of a second before it dawns on a character. It's a really difficult thing to pull off, but he does it effortlessly, most notably in episode four, with the knocking on the door and the ice-cream van jingle. He's also effective at subverting the previously innocuous - like the old nursery rhyme Boys and Girls Come Out to Play - but in a way that's largely removed from gimmickry and reveals something of his hero or villain. Nesbitt is really good value in the lead, whether underplaying sympathetically or camping it up outrageously, and there's effective support from Michelle Ryan, though there are a few iffy American accents about and I don't trust Gina Bellman as a dramatic actress. All in all, great fun, and I'd be well up for watching a second series. The show's big reveal is the third scariest thing I've ever seen on telly, after 1) Grotbags (when I was four) and 2) The "Psirens" episode of Red Dwarf (when I was nine). (3.5)